This is a collection of quotes taken from my high school classes. Not an original idea, I saw it on someone else's website and copied it (if I ever track it down again I'll link them!) and decided that since my teachers said funny things I'd write them down too. This did lead to a problem when near the end of year ten all of my teachers knew about the book and after they'd said something witty they'd start to ask whether I'd written it down...
Context and meaning is hugely important so I've made annotations at the end of some quotes and linked a whole bunch of Wikipedia articles to allow people who weren't present for the quote to make sense of them.

Apologies for the quotes that were only funny in the moment. I was present for all of them and even I don't find some of them funny reading back over them!

The first few minutes were good, the rest of it you can raffle. (talking about the silent film The Battleship Potemkin)

The editing suite will be a [insert name] free zone.

We're going to move away from your films being happy accidents.

Well, they do pay me to turn up which is always nice.

It's like chinese whispers but only in his head.

I assume I am about to be inundated with a flood of ERI (experimental research investigation) submissions? The due date is the 27th (today). Lateness will attract a 10% per day penalty. ERIs will not be accepted beyond Monday 3/6 as by this stage you would have accrued a 70% penalty.

This is worth about a two out of ten, but to give you a sense of achievement I'm giving you a two and a half.

I sailed a little two person tinky toy thing.

Assuming your boat's structurally sound it will stay fixed.

Can you just drop those chairs down for me? Wait! No, can you please carefully put those chairs down for me?

Oh look, and there's a flying pencil.

[insert name] just put their hand up to announce to everyone that she's stupid.

teacher: If you look at a flea and an elephant you will notice some differences.
student: When one stands on a dog it won't die?

What I wrote was all those words in a language called maths.

See what happens, you hit year ten, discover drugs and everything else goes down the toilet.

...he says that like: if you're a good teacher I'll pay attention.

...and then he rips his shirt off in revolutionary passion.

Guys, let's assume that everyone can read... even if they go to [insert school name].

Just wait until I know what I'm doing.

Oh! Body language is a language... never mind.

No goalies means more goals so there's more fun!

No! Acutally, we'll drive a car off a cliff, that's better!

We'll accept light energy as light energy.

reciting play dialogue: That's a Barramundi with a thick accent. (the thick accent was a direction not a line)

You're not at home so don't walk on the furniture.

student one: our society is too uniformed, there are right angle everywhere in our buildings!
student two: Maybe that's because we like stable buildings?

The question here is, if I can steer the class back to something mathematical.

Maybe you should knock over your chair and just run at the board. (a student having had an epiphany had just done this.)

Can I ask you a serious question? When did you start having these delusions and do you take any medication?

student: Where would you use that?
teacher: When you're writing a mathematics textbook and you want something to make the students miserable.

According to this book there's a formula for this.

Because we're pure mathematicians, we don't want to apply our maths to the real world.

Hands up those who don't know this formula... oh, God!

Guys, I know you're good friends but you don't have to play footsies the whole class.

When you crack your head open, who is responsible? Moi.

student: Why are you so mean to [insert name]?
teacher: Because I love her as my daughter and you should see what I say about her.

Did anyone see and good essays?... Did anyone see a good essay by someone else?

I do get angry sometimes.

...and that was years ago before I went senile.

student: But I don't believe in God.
teacher: Neither do I, I just like arguing.

Shh... I'm lecturing, spouting forth rubbish - listen!

Gee, that sounds like a brand of biscuits. Can't you just imagine walking into a shop and buying a packet of Cripplies? (talking about a typo cripplies=cripples)

student: Sorry, I'm swamped (with work).
teacher: So am I... shit sticks!

Hollywood doesn't make sad movies because they won't sell... well maybe porn. Sad porn... anyone in a porn movie must be sad.

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